There is purpose to our pain

*Before I begin, I absolutely have to give credit to Lysa TerKeurst, the author of the book titled “Univited”. It is that very book has given me the courage & words I’ve been so desperately trying to find in order to write this post. I could not translate the feelings in my heart into words that made sense and that most accurately portrayed my thoughts and feelings on this matter and reading this book helped me clear my mind and find the words I’ve been hoping to find.Thank you Lysa for sharing your gift of words with the world.*

It’s late and way past my bedtime. I’m sitting on my bedroom floor going over and over in my head ideas on how to start this blog post. My mind goes blank. Again. A little anxious and stressed, I reach over to the brush next to me and start brushing my hair because clearly that’ll help me focus. Then I reach for my phone and start scrolling through social media and checking my emails. Distraction. Anything to keep me from having to sit through the anxiety I feel when thinking about how I’m going to go about writing this blog post. I’m nervous. A bit scared. Anxious. Worried I’ll offend some or come across differently than what’s intended. Stressed that I won’t be able to type out exactly what’s on my mind and heart. But I press through those emotions because I know that this is all a part of something so much bigger than myself. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything we go through in life has the power to help others heal from their own traumas. What a disservice I would be giving the world if I didn’t share my stories and what I’ve learned from them when I’m aware of the fact that it could help so many. God has given me this mountain to show others it can be moved.

So here I am, world! I’m showing up even when it’s hard because I know it’s what I’m called to do.

There is purpose to our pain.

I remember a few years back having a conversation with God. It went a little something like this: “Why do bad things happen to good people? It breaks my heart, God, that so many terrible things happen in this world to such beautiful humans. If I could go through the hard times for others so that they wouldn’t have to feel such pain, I would. If I could take the pain away, I would. I don’t understand and I’d gladly suffer if that means others don’t have to.” And then I felt utterly silly when it struck me that there’s already someone who has done that for all of us. Someone who literally took on the pains and afflictions of all mankind and atoned for our sins so that we could continually grow and progress and be comforted through our every sin, trial, and hardships and ultimately so we could return to our Father in Heaven when our time on earth here is done. I was asking to do the work of our Savior, Jesus Christ, when it’s not in my capacity to do so. The work has already been done. I can absolutely execute the work assigned to me, though, to help those in my sphere of influence. That is what I need to focus on.

I won’t lie, though. I admit that after having gone through what I’ve gone through these past 3 years there’s definitely been a few times I wished I could take back those words I said to God about wanting to go through the hard times so others wouldn’t have to. Selfish, I know. That’s the human in me. “You weren’t supposed to actually give me something like this, God! This is NOT the life I ordered.” But when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I’m again reminded that this is all a part of something so much bigger than me.

You see, it’s easy to look at our painful trials and excruciating hardships as punishment and/or a lack of love/trust from God. It’s easy to question God’s divinity in moments of rejection. It’s easy to question His love for us when love is taken away from us. You know what seems even easier? Completely giving up on God altogether and doing whatever numbs the pain, even if it’s a temporary fix. A temporary fix is better than no fix at all, right?

Wrong.

What seems like an easier, quicker fix in the moment can land us in an even harder, stickier, more devastating situation than we started with.

How dangerous it is when our souls are gasping for God but we’re too distracted flirting with the world to notice. -Lysa TerKeurst

We become imprisoned by what numbs us. A void is created within us when we avoid the hurt. We can’t ever truly and completely heal, feel, and love again if we shove our hurts to the side and focus our energy towards what “feels good” in the moment. I used to turn to others to numb the hurt. Whether that was fishing for compliments in some way, relying on a guy to fill that void for me, social media, etc. I heavily, and I mean heavily, relied on others to fill my cup for me. I didn’t really need to fully love myself because others could do that for me, right?

Oof. If only I could talk to that Delaina from my past and gently knock some sense into her.

I have had a bad habit of placing responsibilities on others to love me the way that only God can. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I expected beautiful, yet totally flawed human beings to love me the way God does in all my brokenness. And when my incredibly high expectations totally crashed, I was left utterly devastated. Now, looking back, I realize that God is the only One who can love me wholly, completely, and perfectly and for me to put that responsibility on other flawed humans like myself is totally unfair. I was misplacing my trust and hope in others when it should’ve been in God all along. Only He is capable of loving me perfectly and completely. Only He can lead me to what’s best for me. Only He is powerful enough to heal all wounds and truly transform us, IF we allow Him.

“And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known; I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.” (Isaiah 42:16)

With all of this being said, this past year I’ve really focused my energy on what God wants me to learn from what I’ve gone through and continue to go through. I’ve desperately tried my absolute hardest to turn inward and do some major introspection while asking God what needed to be healed inside of myself in order to come out of this a refined, wiser, and stronger version of myself. There is so much I have learned within this past year that it’s honestly just mind boggling to me. I am loving how there is an infinite wealth of knowledge to be gained from my present circumstances that are the cause of my unhealed past circumstances. In order to break free from the habits of today, I must be willing to face the demons of my yesterday. Pain is not my enemy. It is my guide. It is my reminder that brokenness is inside of me waiting to be acknowledged. It is my motivation to fight. On the other side of this pain is a refined, freed version of myself just waiting to be found. And I’m getting closer and closer to being able to fully embrace her with each decision I make in trusting God’s plan for me. It might feel like I’m free falling most days, but when I know that God is there to catch me, I can take comfort in knowing that no fall is ever deadly if I’m willing to get up and try again with Him right beside me.

So, I made the choice to cling on so tightly to God when, a year and a half ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce.

Begging, pleading, and hysterically trying to make things work, I couldn’t change his mind. And that was the beginning of the hardest, most painful year of my life.

We decided to take some time to separate to cool down and figure out where to go from there. My sweet son (who was 8 months at the time) and I headed up to Oregon to live with my incredibly welcoming in-laws who took us in and blessed our lives tremendously. Since I now had help with Leo, I decided to take the time to really find myself again since becoming a mother. I welcomed dance back into my life and fought hard to make up for the years I went without it. I jumped back into photography after a few months hiatus. I started going back to the gym and made some kick-butt progress. I started going to therapy again. And most importantly, I rekindled my stagnant relationship with God. I knew that if I was going to come out of this alive, it was going to be by the grace of God. There was no other way for me to get through this without the help from the One who has all the power to heal my broken soul.

Now, this is where I could really get deep into the nitty gritty and give out details of what got us to where we are at now (still separated). But I won’t. It’s not necessary. Instead, I’ll share an excerpt that beautifully articulates my very thoughts and feelings about sharing what has happened.

“We both tried. But there was an accumulating tension with each misunderstanding. Almost like an archer pulling back on a bow. The more it’s pulled, the more the tension increases. At some point the archer will have to release the tension by releasing the arrow. I was so hoping the arrow would hit the bulls-eye of forgiveness and restoration. But that’s not where the arrow went. The tension released. The arrow flew. And it wound up deeply piercing us both.

“I’d love to paint some version of this where I present all I did to try and give and forgive. I think I could really impress you with quite an array of brushstrokes and colors. But in the end, one-sided views make for pretty flat-looking works of art.

“She (he) has her own version, and to deny that would make me guilty of more than just losing a friendship (relationship). It would further complicate things with selfishness.

“I have to boss myself around in this. Denying myself the pleasure of presenting proof and building a case isn’t easy. It’s quite maddening, in fact. I imagine you, like me, have a few file folders of good proof that build a solid case that we are in fact right! Justified! Not guilty!

“Bang the gavel. Be declared winner. Pump my fist. Feel so vindicated. Walk out victorious. But let’s be honest. You’ve got two pierced souls, a friendship (relationship) that ended, and a contact now deleted. Is there ever really a winner in a case like this?

“People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along. Lord, let me end this the right way.”

Heavy. And powerful. The truth of the matter is we are both guilty of the deterioration of our marriage. Neither one of us are blame-free regardless of what has happened.

This past year I’ve been stretched, molded, thrown down, and lifted up. I have experienced devastation, loss, betrayal, and so many more countless hard-to-swallow emotions. Mourning the death of a broken marriage and all of the hopes and dreams that came with it is devastating.

“It’s like taking a photograph containing all the people you love and suddenly some of those people purposely cut themselves out of the picture. And the gaping hole left behind is in some ways worse than death. If their absence was caused by death, you would grieve their loss. But when their absence is caused by rejection, you not only grieve their loss but you also have to wrestle through the fact that they wanted this. They chose to cut themselves out. Though you are devastated, they are probably walking away feeling relieved. Or worse, they might even feel happy. And there you sit, staring at a jacked-up photograph that no glue in the world can fix. Normal has been taken. Not by accident. But very much on purpose by someone you never expected to be such a thief.” -Lysa TerKeurst

There is so much good that has come from this. You’re probably thinking, “how in the world can she say that when one of the hardest things that can happen in life happened in her life?” Truly, there is so much good that has come as a result of this entire situation. I have really used this time to learn and grow and face the darkness head on so that it wouldn’t bleed into my future. There’s still so much work to be done, as there is always, but the progress I’ve made is worth documenting and sharing because if I can do it, anyone who has gone through this can too. I’ve connected with others through this trial who have been so incredible and brave in opening up to me and sharing their stories of similar trials. I’ve learned that this is so much more common than we even realize, ESPECIALLY within the church. We tend to shun and shame those that have marital issues that lead to separation or divorce. We act like it’s a disease that’s spread by staying close to, or even just chatting with, those who go through it, thus forcing us who go through it to believe that we need to stay quiet about it or else we’ll be condemned and thrown out to be left alone. It’s true, we’re scared of it happening to us. Divorce is a dirty word to many. Failure in your marriage is seen as a failure in character. Ouch, right? And while sometimes that’s true (although I wouldn’t word it as harshly – we’re all imperfect people with so much room for improvement), there are many times it’s the agency of other’s that unfortunately harm you directly. Whatever the reason, it’s not a time to shun, shame or judge either party, regardless of what has been done. It’s a time to love, show compassion, be kind, and offer support. It’s equally important that space is respected and that digging for answers or information is abandoned. I have so much more left to say about this, but I’m going save it and share it in a future blogpost.

My husband is a good man. It’s weird to type out “my husband” because even though we are still married, we haven’t been together for over a year. We don’t know what the future holds, but either way, we are going to do what is best for our family. A misconception is that staying together, no matter what, is what’s always best. I used to have that mindset. But sadly, it’s just not true. And it literally shatters my heart to pieces to come to that realization. One of the most common reasons staying together “no matter what” can be devastating is because if only one spouse is willing to work at it, it can become an extremely unhealthy and completely detrimental situation.

I want to make it known that there are people around you who are also in this awkward place that I am in, but they are too afraid to speak up about it in fear of being judged and cast off by their peers. Separation is incredibly common. And it’s not always a bad thing. Most of the time, it’s needed and the biggest step towards healing no matter how it ends. Whether their separation leads to reconciliation or divorce, it’s an awkward place to be in and extremely taxing on the heart, mind, and soul. You don’t know whether to say you’re married or that you’re not, because you’re technically both. It’s a confusing situation for all involved.

The reason my son Leo and I moved to Utah is because we are moving forward. In other words, things aren’t looking promising. As much as I wish we could’ve been that raving success story that conquered all, it just hasn’t turned out that way. It’s time for us to move forward and do what’s best for us.

(To learn more about that, go to Part 1 and 2 of my IGTV series, “The Drive to Utah: Part 1” and “The Drive to Utah: Part 2”)

Regardless of your situation, whether it’s something similar to mine or something entirely different that caused you feelings of rejection, heartbreak, or devastation, it does not mean you aren’t loved or aren’t worthy of love and goodness and happiness. God’s love isn’t based on what we do or don’t do. God’s love is simply placed on us, regardless of what we do or don’t do. His love is unfailing, unfaltering, and infinite. When we learn to fill our cups from His love instead of the luxuries and temptations of the world, we can fully love, feel, and heal. Placing our worth and happiness on external circumstances is the exact recipe for an unstable foundation. External circumstances are always changing. When we are at peace with where we stand internally, all the external circumstances in the world can shift and change, but where we stand inside of ourselves will remain.

I believe most of you can relate to this quote shared in Lysa’s “Uninvited” book, as can I:

“I was abandoned. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future. I was rejected. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future. I was hurt. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future. I was left out. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future. I was brokenhearted. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future. Heartbreaking seasons can certainly grow me but were never meant to define me. I let go of the hurt and embrace the growth the minute I’m able to say, ‘Yet not what I will, but what You will.'”

What a powerful mantra to say to yourself, everyday if you must.

If you have made it to the end of this post, I applaud you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my words. There are a few things I ask of you moving forward with the information you now hold. I ask that you respect our privacy. I ask that you don’t attack anyone involved. I ask that you be kind and gentle and compassionate not only to my family but to everyone around you because I guarantee you there is someone you know (besides myself) that is going through something like this. “We must speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored. We must speak with peace in the midst of being threatened. We must speak of good things in the midst of a bad situation. We must be obedient to, trust, and believe God and let Him boss around our contrary feelings.” I’m far from perfect in mastering those, but I will always continue to try my best.

Despite my trial, what a beautiful opportunity I have to help others because of it. What a beautiful opportunity I have to now have a greater capacity to love and show compassion towards others. I promise I will always try my very best to turn my crappy situations into beautiful lessons. I’ll stumble, crumble, fumble, and all the other “umbles” there may be. Just like an olive from an olive tree, it’s a process to be rid of bitterness. And I’m so grateful for the symbolism that comes from an olive tree because it helps keep all my trials in perspective.

Perhaps maybe our greatest rejections are actually our greatest protections from what is not meant to be ours because something far greater, more beautiful, and fulfilling is waiting for us. We just have to have faith that it will be there when we get there. God will never take something away from us without replacing it with something far greater. Have faith in that. And I’ll continue to do my best to have faith in that too.

-Delaina Leigh

Here are links to some books, podcasts, and accounts I have read, listened to, and followed that have helped me tremendously during this past year and that has helped me get to where I’m at today (hover over the titles and click on them to take you to the links):

Books

1.“One More Try: What to do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart” by Gary Chapman

2. “It Takes One To Tango” by Winifred M. Reilly

3. “Winning Your Husband Back Before It’s Too Late” by Gary Smalley

4. “Whole Again” by Jackson Mackenzie

5. “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice And Reclaim Your Hope” by Leslie Vernick

6. “Girl, Stop Apologizing” by Rachel Hollis

7. “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst

8.“Lights, Camera, Passion” by Darin Adams

9. “Uninvited” by Lysa Terkeurst

Podcasts

1. The Tony Robbins Podcast