My head is actually kind of all over the place and stumped right now as I’m trying to figure out how to start this blog post.
I did not realize how hard Easter was going to be for me.
And, I totally should have. Two years ago today, on Easter, my world crashed and burned right in front of me. Lots of pain, anguish, feelings of so much betrayal, and utter devastation & desperation were felt that day.
It was the day that would quite drastically change the course of my life, forever.
I wish I could tell that Delaina that day that it was going to suck for quite awhile, but it was going to get better.
That I was going to transform and bloom into this version of me that I had always dreamed of.
That I was going to come out on top and have an incredible support system along the way.
That this was going to be the hardest trial I have faced to date, but it’s going to make me one hell of a woman.
Looking back at that day, I feel so many emotions. Grief is just the best way to describe what I have felt today. There have been moments of pure joy, but also moments of pure sadness, pain, and nostalgia.
And quite honestly, I woke up today not even recognizing today was “that” day. I was feeling kind of off as the day progressed, but I couldn’t figure out why. As I tried to figure out what I was really feeling, I realized it was Leo and I’s first Easter without family. That brought on sadness. And then that’s when I remembered that it was Easter two years ago that my world fell apart.
Tears came. Pain came. A little bit of frustration came. And instead of being upset that I was feeling upset, I just allowed myself to feel those emotions, because I know that grief just wants to be heard. So today I listened to my grief, even though it was definitely a damper for some of the day, because I knew that ignoring it would only make it hurt longer and louder.
And ya know, grief just doesn’t care. It doesn’t care if you’re alone or surrounded by people. It doesn’t care what day it is, what time it is, what you’re doing, or where you’re at. When it comes, its presence is demanding. The only way to truly heal is to feel it through. So I did.
While at my counseling appointment a few weeks back we discussed trauma and grief a bit more. As I heal from trauma and continue to grieve, sometimes I find myself getting angry that I’m not already done with the grieving. I get angry at myself and think to myself, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?!?” But it’s not.that.simple. It’s never that simple. Grief has no timeline. It goes up and down and backwards and forwards and out of order, many times. As I’ve really focused on stopping myself from getting angry whenever I start to feel grief, I find myself moving through it more efficiently and effectively due to me actually taking the time to feel it through while reminding myself that it’s more than okay to feel what I’m feeling right now. It’s not easy, but I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
Leo and I have a very special human in our life right now. He’s been an incredible help and source of light and joy and love through this tough process. We got to spend Easter with him and it was so great for us. Today before he blessed the sacrament for us in our apartment, we sang the hymn “I Believe In Christ” and I wanted to share a verse that really stuck out to me:
“I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!
From him I’ll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: “Ye shall obtain.”
I believe in Christ; so come what may,
With him I’ll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men.”
I’m so beyond grateful for the knowledge I have of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. With His help and love, I’ve been able to withstand and navigate the harshest of storms that could have dragged me down. Because He lives, we can live with the knowledge that we will all once again be with reunited with our loved ones and live with them again. We can live with the knowledge that no pain lasts forever and that sadness, grief, guilt, regret, shame, devastation, and more can be swept away and healed through Christ. By me choosing to let the Lord’s hand be THE guide in my life, I’ve been guided and blessed through this devastating trial in ways I couldn’t have ever thought of. He loves me, He loves you, and He’s cheering for us and extending His love to ALL of us. No matter where you have been, where you are, or where you’re going. He’s there. He loves us. And will be there to catch us when we fall. Again. And again. And again.
To end, I want to share a video that really touches my heart and was the perfect video to watch today on Easter. Leo even asked to watch it again after the first time. It’s a message of hope, light, and everlasting love. I hope it can bring you the peace, comfort, and love that it brings me whenever I watch it. It’s truly so beautiful.
