Grief: What It Is, How It Feels, and Why It’s Perfectly Normal To Be Feeling It (Even If You Haven’t Lost a Loved One)

Date
Apr, 27, 2020
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“I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was Grief.”


Let’s chat about grief. Because we have all felt some form of grief in our lives, and we are collectively feeling it right now.


Grief is a deep, important emotional response to a great loss.


Grief isn’t only for those who have lost a loved one to death, although that’s what many people think of when they think of the word “grief.” You can grieve the end of, or “death” of, something important to you, whether that’s a stage of life, a relationship, a person, whatever it may be. Your grief is relevant, important, and deserves space to be felt.


It’s safe to say that right now amid this pandemic that we are all feeling some sort of grief. From job losses, having to cancel big plans and family get togethers, loss of our “normals”, loss of connection from family, friends and even random strangers on the streets, loss of loved ones, and the fear of (also known as “anticipatory grief”) economic devastation.


And that’s perfectly normal and deserves the space to be felt.


Grief comes in stages:

Shock/Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance


Notice how I didn’t number them because they don’t necessarily go in that order. Up, down, straight, diagonal; there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief cycle. You just might skip a step, go out of order, and/or revisit a few of them. 


I’ve been grieving for 2 years since the initial shock of what happened to my life. Divorce and separation of family is devastating in every single way. I’m grieving every single day. Some days I can almost forget the grief, other days it hits me like a train. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit every stage with what feels like a thousand times. Some days I’ll feel anger and sadness and want to punch my steering wheel and shake my fists in the air, and other days I’m feeling like I’m on cloud 9 and really healing.


Grief is a rollercoaster.


Grief feels like you are living two different lives.  One is where you’re pushing yourself to find joy amidst the chaos in your heart and mind, and the other is where your heart, mind and soul are screaming in pain for answers.


The only true way out of grief, is through it.


In my post “I Believe In Christ” I touched a bit on grief:

“Tears came. Pain came. A little bit of frustration came. And instead of being upset that I was feeling upset, I just allowed myself to feel those emotions, because I know that grief just wants to be heard. So today I listened to my grief, even though it was definitely a damper for some of the day, because I knew that ignoring it would only make it hurt longer and louder.

Grief just doesn’t care. It doesn’t care if you’re alone or surrounded by people. It doesn’t care what day it is, what time it is, what you’re doing, or where you’re at. When it comes, its presence is demanding. The only way to truly heal is to feel it through. So I did.

While at my counseling appointment a few weeks back we discussed trauma and grief a bit more. As I heal from trauma and continue to grieve, sometimes I find myself getting angry that I’m not already done with the grieving. I get angry at myself and think to myself, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?!?” But it’s not.that.simple. It’s never that simple. Grief has no timeline. It goes up and down and backwards and forwards and out of order, many times. As I’ve really focused on stopping myself from getting angry whenever I start to feel grief, I find myself moving through it more efficiently and effectively due to me actually taking the time to feel it through while reminding myself that it’s more than okay to feel what I’m feeling right now. It’s not easy, but I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.


I recently found an incredible blog post about grief that isn’t related to death, and I want to share a section from it that I feel is so important to touch on:

Many types of losses are capable of causing complicated emotions, difficulties in daily functioning, and impairment in one’s ability to move forward. These losses are often significant enough to require a decent amount of processing and, just like after a death, grievers often view their lives in terms of before and after the loss. Here’s a brief list of events that can evoke feelings of loss and grief:

Illness or Injury
Shift or weakening of the family/support system
Loss of employment or other role
Abuse
Trauma
Exposure to death or trauma
Loss of home
Incarceration
Marital discord
Divorce
Separation
Being the victim of a crime
Mental Illness
Serious illness
Infertility
Empty nest
Substance abuse
Addiction
Rehabilitation
Life transition
Estrangement

These events can have a profound impact on one’s emotional wellbeing. They may cause individuals to experience grief due to loss of security, hopes, dreams, innocence, independence, health and mobility, comfort, community, connection, love, intimacy, immortality, trust, and faith. One may also feel grief due to shifts in their self-perception, identity, purpose, or worldview.

I don’t think anyone can fully understand grief until they expand their definition to be inclusive of all types of loss. Especially because many of these losses occur as secondary losses after a death. And it’s essential to an understanding of how dynamic a person’s situation becomes when they have multiple losses to reconcile. 

Furthermore, new losses can drudge up emotions related to old losses, while old losses can magnify and complicate one’s ability to deal with further losses. And you thought my logic statements were complicated!

Heck, let me complicate things a little further by pointing out that when a person’s losses are minimized, unacknowledged, or disenfranchised, they will likely experience:

– A lack of support from friends, family, and society who don’t understand the significance of the loss
– Uncertainty about whether they have the right to grieve
– Feelings of being misunderstood, unsupported, disenfranchised, etc
-Harmful avoidance and negative coping, etc.

Unfortunately, many of the circumstances that lead to loss are complicated – job loss, divorce, illness – one needs to navigate paying bills, details, legalities, treatments, etc. Keep swimming, stay afloat, who can worry about anything else? 

But we can’t always out swim our losses, and leftover feelings of sadness, anger, regret, guilt, and anxiety loom ominously in the dark and murky water. So we must give ourselves and others the permission to acknowledge and grieve these losses.

“The Grief of Non-Death Losses” by What’s Your Grief


The only way to heal, is to feel. Something I find myself continually having a hard time with is not getting mad at myself for “not getting over it already”. I have to constantly remind myself that my grief is valid and deserves the space to feel and heal.


Let it in, then let it go, over and over if you must. 


What has helped me through my grief is therapy and an amazing support system. When grieving something that has caused trauma in your life, it’s important to surround yourself with people who validate you and allow you the space, time, and love to heal. I’d also say something that is equally important for the healing process is therapy. Going to therapy will change your life for the better. (Go. To. Therapy. Go to therapy!! Seriously. It will open your eyes and change your life! I’ll be coming out with a blogpost in the coming weeks on counseling, resources, and how to find the right one for you, so stay tuned and subscribe for updates for when that comes out). It’s a game changer and will allow you the space to feel, talk, and receive the inspiration your heart longs for. It’s changed my life.


While browsing Pinterest I came across some really incredible affirmations that you can say while grieving a loss. Here are 7 that can be incredibly helpful.

7 Affirmations to Help Through Grief:

I acknowledge I have the right to grieve this loss. My feelings towards the person or thing(s) I’ve lost are real, significant and no less important than anyone else’s.

I acknowledge that my grief and I deserve the time and space needed to process and deal with the loss. I will not let others minimize this need or deprive me of my right to grieve.

I understand there are others who are grieving similar losses. I will be open to the possibility of receiving support from those who have had similar experiences.

I acknowledge I have the right to rituals honoring and remembering my deceased loved ones and other losses.

I choose to be supported by those who validate my loss and support me in my grief. I choose not to engage with those who belittle my grief and emotion.

My loss is real and I must find personal ways to explore and express my grief and emotion.

I’ll take what I’ve learned from my own grief and loss and strive to show sensitivity towards the grief and loss experience of others.


At a time like this, we benefit more from coming together than standing apart. Even if we can’t stand together physically, we can do our part to stand together emotionally and help each other through the chaos and unknowns and turn them into incredible opportunities of love and service for one another.


If you’re grieving right now because of the pandemic, life circumstances outside of it, or both, know this: you are loved, your feelings are valid, and you are never, ever alone!


“Your trauma is valid. Even if other people have experienced “worse.” Even if someone else who went through the same experience doesn’t feel debilitated by it. Even if it “could have been avoided.” Even if it happened a long time ago. Even if no one knows. Your trauma is real and valid and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention-seeking. It’s self-care. It’s inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. And your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away.”

-Daniell Koepke


Sending so much healing love your way.


What has helped you through grief? I’d love to hear your thoughts! 👇



Delaina

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